The Parturient Excitation
by Annamonk
Summary: Leonard and Amy want to move their relationships forward and turn to science for the answer. Sheldon and Penny wind up doing it the old fashioned way. I don't own it. I just enjoy playing with it.
1. Chapter 1

Leonard watched as Bernadette frowned at Amy. The two women were locked in an intense debate. He grimaced. This plan required the participation of both of them. He'd orchestrated it all down to the smallest detail, but Bernadette was being far too difficult.

"It wouldn't hurt him." Leonard inserted himself into their conversation. "Right?"

"There were no notable side effects." Bernadette crinkled her nose. "But that isn't the point. We shelved the drug because it removes all inhibitions. There are just too many risks in using it. What if he decides to fly or poison Penny for breaking a rule? A Sheldon with no inhibitions might ride the bus naked. Is that fair to the public?"

"I need this, Bernadette." Amy grabbed her arm. "I'll do anything. I'll help find a way to make the drug work as your team originally intended, but I need it now."

"Amy, I know this is hard for you." Bernadette's shoulders slumped a bit. "But this is the wrong way to get Sheldon into bed. It would be forcing him."

"Sheldon's inhibitions would just be gone. He could still say no if he wanted." Leonard sputtered. "Amy's taking a huge risk to further her relationship. I think we should support her."

"And what do you get, mister?" Bernadette turned her glare on him.

"I get a Sheldon that will let me move across the hall without so much fuss." Leonard shrugged. "He's so resistant to change."

"I get that, but I still have to say no. It would be unethical." Bernadette crossed her arms over her chest and stared sternly at them. "Please, go."

Leonard grabbed Amy's hand and pulled her out of the lab. This wasn't working. It would have been easier if Bernadette had simply agreed, but plan B was almost as good.

"Come on, Amy." He sighed as they made their way out of the building. "I have a back up plan."

"What? Without that drug Sheldon will never give into his burning but caged desires and lascivious lusts. I need him." Amy sulked and stomped along beside him through the parking lot.

"I'm already getting that fertility drug for you without Bernadette's help. I can get this drug, too. I wanted to get it from her because I wanted her help with dosage, but we can handle this." Leonard patted Amy's shoulder. "We can both get what we want."

* * *

><p><span>Five Days Later<span>

Leonard was heading out of his office when Gablehauser clapped his hand down upon his shoulder. He stiffened as the man's fingers dug into him slightly.

"Just the physicist I need." The man smiled. "The department needs you, Dr. Hofstadter."

"I'm busy tonight." Leonard pulled free of the other man's grip.

"Not if you want to keep working here. The woman that funds your grant is thinking about pulling her money out. You might be able to save your job if you can get her to commit to this department again." Gablehauser shook his head. "As I recall, you have a way with the little old ladies, and we need every advantage."

"But I had plans." Leonard looked up into the taller man's eyes.

"Cancel them." Gablehauser smiled. "This is your career."

Leonard nodded sadly and pulled out his cell phone to call Penny.

* * *

><p>"I have to be quarantined?" Amy stared in horror at the men in the yellow suits. The soft hum of the equipment irritated her. "It isn't enough that you euthanized nine months worth of research?"<p>

"It's only three days." The man smiled at her through the plastic guarding his face. "We will contact your family."

Amy flopped into her chair and frowned. This was not supposed to happen. They hadn't prepared for this contingency, and she didn't even have a chance to call Leonard. all her possessions were being autoclaved or destroyed. She fingered the paper scrubs she was stuck wearing and frowned. All of their careful planning destroyed by one diseased primate. She slumped in her hard plastic chair and sighed. It was only three days. They would regroup.

Then her life would be perfect.

* * *

><p>Sheldon took another sip of his beverage and frowned. The chocolatey treat hit the spot. Amy's mother had called to let him know not to expect her tonight, and he felt like celebrating. These endless date nights frustrated him. He needed some time to unwind.<p>

He looked at his game consoles and smiled.

Halo.

He wanted to play Halo.

He wanted to play Halo with Penny.

He guzzled down the rest of his drink and grabbed two more before heading over to Penny's.

He just knew it was going to be a good night.

* * *

><p>Penny smiled at Sheldon's signature knock. It was good to have him home. His little trip had left her far too much time to think. Thinking about marrying Leonard and surrendering her dreams had made her panic. Nothing proved a better distraction from the train wreck of her life than Sheldon.<p>

Being around him was easy. Even when he was off his gourd and declaring relationship superiority. She considered the fact that her relationship wasn't working and frowned. Maybe he was right. He usually was.

Penny flung the door open and smiled up at her neighbor. His blue eyes seemed particularly merry tonight.

"Would you like to have an impromptu Halo night with me, Penny?"

She smiled and nodded. A little battle with the beautiful mind was just what she needed after a long day trying to grasp the intricacies of her new job.

"Here have a beverage." Sheldon handed her one of his precious bottles of Yoohoo. "I believe we should order some food as well."

"Sounds good, Sweetie." Penny smiled up at him and followed him over to his apartment. "Do you want Pizza or Thai?"

"I want to try something new." Sheldon smiled. "It isn't even anything can happen Thursday. I'm feeling wild tonight."

"Okay, wild man. What have you done with my friend?" Penny smirked up at Sheldon.

"I missed you, Penny." Sheldon patted her shoulder awkwardly. "The others are familiar and can understand some of what I say, but I missed talking with you while I was gone. It may be little more than talking to a pretty chimp, but I enjoy our time together. I must admit to liking your new hairstyle as well. I was against it at first, but it flatters you. It must be far easier to maintain."

"It is." She shook her head, letting her shortened tresses fly free. "We both needed a change. You went on a train, and I went to the salon."

"To change." Sheldon clinked his bottle against hers and they both took a long pull of the chocolate beverage.


	2. Chapter 2

Sheldon watched Penny bounce on her feet as she celebrated another victory. Her movements appealed to him. They had eaten Chinese from an unapproved restaurant, and he had enjoyed it. They had played Halo for an hour, and he had enjoyed it as well. He enjoyed everything with Penny. She bounced over toward him and spun around on one foot.

"I feel fantastic, Sheldon." She smiled down at him. "This is the best night I've had in ages."

"It has been quite entertaining." He looked up at her flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes. "I don't want it to end."

"Wanna go to a movie at an nonapproved theatre?" Penny waggled her brow.

"I see no reason to go crazy." Sheldon rubbed his hand along the arm of the couch. "I want to do something I've never done."

"Like what?" Penny bent and put controller on the coffee table.

"I suppose it is too late to go sky diving." Sheldon scrunched up his face. "I think we should engage in coitus."

She stilled, and their gazes locked.

"You're kidding, right?" Penny swallowed another swig of his favorite chocolate beverage and set the plastic bottle down haphazardly, half off the coaster.

"No. I did not say bazinga." Sheldon rubbed his hands along his thighs. "I want to understand why most people seem to think it is more important than physics."

"You shouldn't have sex for the first time because you're curious." Penny plopped down in the arm chair and smiled at him. "You don't even like to be touched."

"You touch me all the time. It doesn't repulse me."

"Just what every girl wants to hear." Penny pushed up and began to pace between the chair and his desk. "I'm not repulsive."

"No. I said your touch does not repulse me." Sheldon blushed. "Your symmetrical features and well proportioned body are empirically attractive. Your hip to waist ratio is perfect. Any fool can observe that. Your body is scientifically beautiful. I can show you the equations."

"There's math to prove I'm pretty?" Penny stopped in front of Sheldon and cocked her head to the side.

"Of course there is. Try to overcome your cornhusker mistrust of science."

"It doesn't matter. You don't like me." Penny crossed her arms over her chest. "I won't have sex with someone that doesn't like me."

"Of course I like you. You are a formidable prankstress, a fine video game player, and you listen to me. You sing soft kitty to me and you took me to Disneyland." Sheldon glared up at her. "I think you may be my best friend."

"You have a girlfriend. You two are the super couple. Remember." Penny nodded her head apparently agreeing with her own statement. "I'm not some man stealing, evil bitch."

"I will terminate my relationship agreement with Amy immediately." Sheldon pulled out his phone.

"You can't end a relationship with a text message." Penny shook her head.

"It is one of three acceptable methods outlined in the relationship agreement. I could also use semaphore or a telephone call. Neither of us wanted to be burdened by the emotional upheaval of having a physical confrontation." Sheldon smiled widely. "And Amy included the codicil that designated the opportunity to have coitus with you as a viable causation for the immediate termination of the relationship agreement."

"She did?" Penny blinked rapidly before shaking her head.

"She did." Sheldon nodded and quickly texted Amy before Penny could object again.

"You ended your relationship." Penny stood before him with a baffled look on her face. "For me? But I'm not smart enough for you."

"No one is." Sheldon sighed. "However, you have helped me amongst the fools many times. You appreciate me as I am, and I must admit I respect your ability to navigate through varied social strata. I have solved the problem of my availability, but you are still involved with Leonard despite your obvious incompatibility."

Penny blinked and fastened her gaze on her engagement ring.

"I'll be right back." Penny held up one finger before she darted down the hall. She reappeared a few minutes later without the ring.

"I left Leonard a note and returned his ring." Penny nibbled on her lip. "I don't want to marry him. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

"So, we are both single and willing?" Sheldon locked his gaze with hers again. "Are we in a socially acceptable place to continue?"

Penny nodded. A frission of excitment ran down his spine. He reached out to her, and she placed her delicate hand in his. Her skin was soft and he felt no urge to disenfect either of their hands. Pulling her onto his lap seemed the most natural thing he had ever done. Her legs curled on the outside of his. Her torso was just inches from his own. He raised his free hand up and cupped her cheek.

"Are you sure, Sheldon?" Penny stroked her fingers down his arms.

"I want coitus with you, Penny." He pulled her lips down to his and pressed his lips against hers gently. The sensation of her soft flesh against his made him giddy. She pulled away and ran her fingers through his hair.

"That was nice." Penny stroked his hair again. "Are you sure about this?"

"I don't know what to do. I never imagined wanting to participate in sexual activity." His hands trembled as they rested on her shoulders. "But I want you."

"It's not complicated, Sheldon. You're going to enjoy it and do what your instincts tell you to do. Clear?"

He nodded. Penny leaned her forehead against his. Her breath flashed hot across his face. He licked his lips and pulled her down, fusing their lips together. She pressed her soft curves against him and opened her mouth slightly under his. He clenched his fists against her hips and pressed his tongue into this undiscovered country.


	3. Chapter 3

Leonard heard the regular thumping of Sheldon's headboard against the wall as he entered his apartment. He grimaced as he tip toed toward his room. He was covered in that old woman's expensive perfume or he would have headed directly to Penny's. At least Sheldon was having a good time. He smirked.

"Didn't think Amy had it in her." Leonard whispered as he stripped of his shirt and dumped it in his hamper.

He sighed and grabbed his robe. He needed a shower before he went over to Penny's. She wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she would smell another woman's perfume at fifty paces. He rolled his eyes. He really didn't want to spend the remainder of this night on explanations.

"This feels better than winning the Stevenson, better than creating a quantum computer. I never knew. I love you." Sheldon's voice rang out. The walls were too thin. Leonard scurried to the shower. He really didn't need to hear Sheldon's idea of pillow talk. He'd shower and head over to Penny's. His plan could still be salvaged despite Gablehauser's interference.

* * *

><p>"I love you, too." Penny cradled Sheldon against her body and stroked the sweat slicked skin of his back. Each breath was a struggle to drag into her body, but it was so worth it. She kissed his shoulder and shivered in delight.<p>

"Of course you do." Sheldon rolled off her and pulled her against his side on his narrow bed.

"I'm so glad you asked me over tonight." Penny pressed a kiss to his jaw.

"I'm going to need a larger bed." Sheldon stroked his fingers through her short hair. "And you are going to need a dresser here."

"What?" Penny pushed up on her arms to look into his face.

"Or we could look for another apartment." Sheldon smiled.

Penny blinked and looked at him, trying to grasp this conversation.

"I love you, Penny. You love me. This is not going to change." Sheldon traced a finger along her cheek. "I believe it is customary to live with the one you love."

"Are you asking me to live with you?" Penny raised a brow.

"I am. I will ask you to marry me as soon as I can find an appropriate ring." He smiled at her. "My Mee Maw won't tolerate living in sin."

"This doesn't seem too quick to you?" Penny bit her lower lip. "You're sure?"

"I have no doubts. We have known each other for many years. The parameters of our interaction have changed, but we hardly need to shilly shally about. I am sure you are my choice." He gave her the same look he did when he told her to get out of his spot. He was serious.

"You mean it." She clenched her fists against his chest.

"I nearly let you marry Leonard." Sheldon closed his eyes for a moment. "I never should have let him touch you much less propose."

Penny blinked and relaxed her hands.

"I knew that first day that you were special. I should have acted on it, but I let fear control me. I wasn't ready to face this, but I wanted it. I left because my world was destroyed. I was unable to study what I wanted, I was trapped in a relationship of which I wanted no part, and you were marrying Leonard. I had to get away from it." He shuddered. "I need you. You are the black hole at the center of my galaxy."

Penny surged up his torso and kissed him. Their lips met and he pulled her closer, clutching her buttock with one hand and trailing the other languidly down her side. A pleased whimper escaped her as he flipped them again and sprawled across her body.

* * *

><p>Leonard stood and stared at Penny's empty bed. It was neatly made. She hadn't been in it at all. Where the hell was she? It was three in the morning. She should have been sprawled on her bed, surrounded by rumpled covers waiting for him.<p>

He looked for a note, but there wasn't a stray piece of paper anywhere in the place.

He reached in his pocket and remembered leaving his phone in his bedroom. She must have left him a message. He spun on his heal and strode out of her apartment back toward his own.

The thumps of the headboard against the wall had resumed. Leonard grimaced as the image of Sheldon and Amy copulating flared to life in his mind. Sheldon was getting his whole world rocked while he had to search for Penny. It just wasn't fair.

He snarled as he grabbed his phone from the bureau. He'd turned the damn thing off to woo old Mrs. Moneybags. He flicked it on, but he never checked the screen. His eyes were focused on the shining ring and the scrap of paper upon which it sat.

He slid the paper from beneath the ring, picked it up, and stared at the pure white of it. His hands trembled. He flicked it open and studied the sparse words.

_Leonard,_

_I can not marry you. My heart belongs to another._

_ -Penny_

He swallowed down the bile that flooded his mouth and crumpled the note in his fist. Penny had broken off their engagement with a note. He blinked rapidly. He yanked off his glasses as hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

His plans were destroyed. He'd moved too slow. Penny wouldn't be the mother of his children. After all he had done, she had escaped him. The drugs had cost a fortune and he'd bought them for Amy as well. At least, Amy would get her relationship and a little brainiac. That drug of Bernadette's had worked. The thumping moved quickly toward a crescendo.

"I love you." Sheldon's words were clear despite the wall. "It's a constant. I will always love you."

"Oh, god. I love you, too." A familiar voice responded. Leonard whipped around to face the wall. His eyes flared wide in horror.


	4. Chapter 4

Leonard shook as the sounds from Sheldon's room died down again. He'd sat in the kitchen and listened through the remainder of the night. Penny's screams haunted him. He'd never managed to elicit such sounds from her. When would the damn stuff wear off?

When they finally emerged Sheldon was wearing his pajamas and Penny was wearing Sheldon's robe. Their hands were linked and swinging between their bodies. Rumpled and exhausted, they still looked perfectly happy together. Leonard ground his teeth, relishing the pain in his jaw.

"Good morning, Leonard." Sheldon smiled at him.

"Not from where I'm sitting." Leonard snarled.

Penny blushed and looked away, her perfect, white teeth pressed into her bottom lip. Her short hair ruffled out from her head in little curls like an antique gold crown. She was a vision, and he wanted to destroy her.

"Feeling the shame, Penny?" Leonard smiled insincerely at her.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm not ashamed." Penny met his gaze and raised her chin.

"Do you think he loves you? Really?" Leonard sneered.

"Leonard, stop this." Sheldon stepped in front of Penny. "We both hurt you. We are aggrieved to be the source of your pain, but denying our true emotions was no longer an option."

"Your true feelings? That's rich." Leonard chuckled. "You don't have feelings. I drugged you. That's the only reason you even touched Penny."

"You little shit." Penny surged toward Leonard with a vicious snarl. "What did you give him?"

Sheldon grabbed her and pulled her back flush against his chest. She stopped struggling immediately. Her body went lax in his arms even as his mind churned.

"The Yoohoo. We both drank it." Sheldon closed his eyes. He'd promised his mama not to use drugs, and Leonard had made him a liar. "What precisely does your drug do, Leonard?"

"No, I'm not trusting this little shit." Penny turned in his arms and looked up at Sheldon. "We need to go to Bernadette. She'll know what tests to run."

"Run along." Leonard flipped his fingers at them. "When the drugs run out and you two can't look at each other, I'll be here laughing."

Penny stilled. Sheldon dropped his eyes down to meet hers. Her eyes were distant, but he could easily determine that she was using the full force of her intellect. She turned toward Leonard and stared. Her gaze narrowed and her hands fisted at her sides. The small man began to crumble.

"You wanted to drug Sheldon." Penny tilted her head and watched Leonard stutter but say nothing. "Why?"

"I wanted him to let Amy move in with him." Leonard snarled. "She was supposed to be the one that went to bed with him."

"This wasn't a roofie. I remember everything." Penny tilted her head. "Where did you get it?"

"It's experimental." Leonard shrugged and stepped back. He didn't like Penny's sudden ferocity.

"You gave Sheldon an experimental drug?" Penny grabbed his shirt and pushed him up against the fridge. "You gave him something with no idea how it would affect his mind? Did Bernadette give it to you?"

"Of course not. She's too ethical. The drug doesn't seem to have hurt either of you." Leonard tried to slide out of Penny's grasp.

"He's probably one of the smartest people ever, and you drugged him?" Penny shook him like a rag doll. "What if you've hurt him?"

"Let him go, Penny." Sheldon swallowed audibly.

"No." Penny tossed her head. "I'm not done with the little bastard yet."

"When he voids his bladder in the kitchen, you will be the one cleaning it." Sheldon crossed his arms over his chest. "Need I remind you of his copious digestive issues? It will not be pleasant."

"Fine." Penny relinquished her hold on Leonard. "We will go and see what his wonder drug is actually doing to us and then I will finish this."

"Have you addressed your vehicle's need for maintenance?" Sheldon ignored Leonard's scramble for his inhaler.

"No, I haven't." Penny shrugged. "Is that going to be a problem?"

"The light is on, Penny." Sheldon tilted his head and examined her for a moment. "It is already a problem."

"Yeah, yeah." She waved her hand at him playfully. "Do you want to ride the bus?"

"The odds of your car causing me injury are slightly less than the odds of a virus infecting me on the bus." Sheldon sighed. "I suppose I must chance it with your car."

"You're just going?" Leonard struggled to his feet. "This is just done?"

Penny spun around on the balls of her feet. She took two steps toward Leonard when Sheldon's hand closed on her shoulder. Sheldon stepped forward and pulled Penny into his arms.

"This was over when you decided to drug me." Sheldon seemed far more threatening than usual as he looked Leonard over. "I have forgiven you for many things over the years, but this recent attack proves I was wrong. If this drug has done any lasting harm, I will notify the authorities. As it stands, I will be calling your mother."

"Penny, we were engaged." Leonard slumped against the fridge. "How can you just walk away?"

"It's easy. One foot in front of the other. I'm not going to feel bad about leaving you this time. You drugged Sheldon. It's selfish and childish. I'm no genius." Penny held up her hand to stop Sheldon's comment. "But I know you are not ready to be in a grown up, real relationship if you confront problems like this. How could I ever trust you?"

"I was just trying to make it easier." Leonard took a step toward her.

"I don't know a quark from a quasar, but I know the easy way is usually the wrong way." Penny sighed. "It's over."


End file.
